Flush away

So completely flushed…
I feel as if everything I've done, everything I'm doing it's all for nothing.

So completely flushed all i want to do is throw it all away.
It hurts too much to bare around.

Why love hurts so?
This can't be love.

Beginning to question everything because nothing is what it seems.
My head hurts and my heart aches.

I can't seem to grasp why you feel so strongly but you do.
I try to be there and fix it but you won't let me.

You tell me to have a good day,  hurts.
Because you should know there are no good days without you.

So trapped within my feels I can't do the things I need to do.
I bet your fine over there. While I'm over here feeling sorry for my life ready to flush it all.

I feel so alone,
My GOD
I pray & I ask you to send me someone to love, someone worth living for because GOD I'm tired of being here, I keep loosing my reasons. There's no man that can love and understand me the way that I need to be loved.

I want to flush it all.

Freewrite fucker

I wonder if he's thinking about her,
When he's fuckin me.

I wonder if he talks secretly behind my back
To her.

Telling her all the things I want to hear,
But would never want him to say to anyone else.

He makes me mad, he makes me sad.
I wonder if he runs away when I'm mad.

I
run,
when
he's
mad.
...I forget he's unlike me at times.

Unable to understand his ways, All I can do is assume with the behaviors you give me.
Why he treats me this way, I don't grasp very well.

When we're good, we're really good
& when it's bad, boy is it bad.

This is killing me, I know now & some time before now that my feelings for him are true.
Because when we disagree I feel myself dying on the inside.

Familiar feeling, but not one I ever wanted to feel again.
I know to that it's about accepting all aspects of a person.
Loving their flaws just as much as you love the good that they do.

This is why I can't bring myself to saying it to him.
How can I love this behavior I don't understand.
This behavior I wouldn't return.
I would never shut you out, because I shut everyone else out for you.

Regrouping & asking myself...
Have I forgotten myself?
Staying in my place, I think I've meshed with this man without realizing.

However did he get to anger me in this manner?
Whatever he says goes,
He tells me Im the best, I feel good
He tells me Im whack, I feel horrid.
Is he the boss of me?

.....NOOOOO so why do I feel so fuckin angry

Angels go first

Why the good go so early? 

We may never know.

As volunteers we chose to come to this planet for a reason.

We are all on an individual mission as well as a group mission.

Through turbulence and distance and time, our memory is clouded.

We are Kings and Queens being that we came from the most high himself.

We are he.

He is us.

We are love.

Love is we because of he.

It's a never ending cycle until the creator calls us home.

Death being bittersweet.

Those living may never truly understand until us ourselves have been called home.

We don't belong here.

Our home is elsewhere.

Death is just a sure reminder that someday we all must go.

Death being a reminder that we should be the change we want to see in this world.

If it's love you want. Show love to all people and all things in your life.

Be great, Be unforgettable.

Because someday you too, as I will, We shall all someday go home.

Never goodbye.

Only see you in Paradise.

I know the creator has a better plan for you.

I hope you find eternal happiness and I know you will watch over your family, especially your sisters.

#LongLiveFuego

Here I stand

Feeling as if the world has conquered me
Here I stand.
Looking around I see no one,
No one besides myself that is.

Never mistaking myself for no one.
I turn inward to myself.
The only friend I ever needed,
The only person I should have ever trusted.

When no ones around I can't break down.
This is the moment in which I must stand tall
Because there all sitting around waiting to see me fall.

Here I stand,
Lost and confused.
Challenged by the obstacles of life.
I look for someone dear to me to confined in,
and I realize If the world has you down its really only up to me
To pull myself back up.

Rely not on others for the happiness in which I can provide for myself.
Today is my day as any other day is mine as well.
I deserve to be happy each day
My happiness ultimately falls all on me.

I shall do for me, as I begin to see that no one will ever care as much as I do for me.
My life, my happiness, my choices & my decisions,
Frame the woman I am to the woman I so badly want to be.

Me

No one to talk to
So I talk to myself;
Label me crazy.
Call me what you want.

You know nothing of me;
Furthermore you know only what I allow you to know
So never should you ever feel so strongly to ever declare knowing me.

Waking up and realizing that reality is real.
Time is not of my essence, but in essence of itself.
No one but me, not even time will wait on me.

Feels so lonely being alone.
Trapped within the walls of my mind
I seek the gateway out within myself.

Only I can set us free.
Nothing but a prisoner within me;
I tend to see myself as an evil doer.
Doing nothing but ruining myself.

I seek the light, gain the light
To slowly realize that there's darkest within every night
That comes..
Tonight & every night that follows after.

The power I seek is already within me,
The potential I aspire has already reached me.
The fear of anything shall never conquer me
Knowing is only half of it.

I pray that every move I make from here on out
Leads me closer to the woman I want to be.
Keeping love in my heart & remaining judgmental free
I pray that one day the world sees me for the woman I know
I can someday be.

Freewrite 2.11

Constantly loosing my place
Forgetting my space
Not wanting to stay in my lane
because it gets lonely here.

Constantly challenging you because I never thought Id have to
It's never a good turn out for me when I doubt someone.
Constantly afraid that I will be made a fool of
Love tends to do that to people.

So broken I wonder however will I ever be fixed.
It's like I kinda get what I want and then realize its not really I wanted all along.
Now I;m left with something I thought I wanted but never really needed.

The stress that comes with you love is beyond me.
I get the worst headaches when we disagree
Because I never want to argue or go through any falling out with you.

I get mad because all I can think about is being with you every second that I can
You don't feel the same and it bothers me, it bothers me, it bothers me.

It bothers me that I fell in love with you and I didn't even see it coming.
It bothers me because every time I say your name I want to say it.
I love you & I want to be with you right now.

The feeling I feel in my heart and the pain that I feel in my mind is only caused by me.
Doubting you & being too eager to love you.

Why do I do it to myself, I know not.
Look me in my eyes and you can see the truth behind whatever lies you think Im telling.
Forever alone
because the standards I've set for you love
May be hard to find a fit.

10.31.12