Dear Dub

Heartache will keep you up.
Its times like these, I wish I never knew you.
Constantly doubting you in the back of my mind.
It's sad. You will never know the real me
Yet you claim you love me.
Pitty me, the fool. Because I believed you.

I always believed you.
Love may be a game.
Who knows?
But my heart? That was never yours to play with.

I'm so sick and tired of you.
Never wanted to be the one to hurt everyone
But I know what needs to be done.
Pitty the fool who fell in love.

Understand that love will get you killed.
Love will change you
It changed me, cause never did I think I'd be stuck on someone like you.

I feel bad for you.
Because you will never know what it's like to have someone like me.
Loving you was a waste of my time.

I guess I blame myself for believing that you would be able to love me like I needed.
You fucking fool.

Thoughts of You.

Why does it feel as if my heart just wants to leap out of my chest when ever I think of you,


I let my nerves have the best of me when I'm around you.


I feel stuck in a way cause all I wanna do is love you.










Somewhat restricted, promised myself I wouldn't do it again.


It feels right,


but it always does.


It feels different


but they always are, however will I know?










Only time can tell;


but as of right now


I'm so drawn and taken by you.


I just wanna know everything.


I wanna be the one you want to come to.


I just wanna show you, I can love you.










When you touch me I feel at ease like there's no where I'd rather be than right where I am.


I avoid looking you In your eyes of the fear that my heart will beat out of chest & you will not catch it.


Am I a fool for feeling so strongly so soon?


Blame me not for this was not the task at hand.


You came to me & I am so lucky to have met you.


You complete me and you don't even know it yet.










I see so much potential in us.


Given the chance we can be something great.


Something unstoppable, something worth while.










When I leave you or'v been away from you for too long, I get sad, my heart misses you though my mind tells me other wise. However did you make it to my heart so soon? I don't know but there you are. I never wanna be too far, always keep me near.










As if you are still a stranger to me, you are the perfect stranger I always wanted to meet. The only stranger I want to hold onto, the only one I ever think about now, Is you.

Am I just a fool?

I fear that I may be too possessive and controlling for my own good, especially when my hearts involved.
I know exactly what I want I just fear never getting it, never feeling it ever again. My days are dry without you love, never wanted to be without you.. Love.

They say the best love is the one you find within yourself, I tend to disagree. The best love is one you find within someone else and you know, you just know for a fact that its real.

How gullible am I for believing something so special exsist and it'll come to me? Am I just a fool?

5.15

Today makes 5 years from the first day I met you.
I keep looking at the date, cant believe its really been so long.

Never deny you, because you are my past.
You taught me so much.
Lessons in love.
Because of you I experienced so much.

Happy we are still friends, happy I know our relationship will always last.

Got me on this rolling stone

Heartache

He don't understand that my heart hurts when he talks to me the way he does.
Shouldn't it be understood that when you love someone you just don't hurt them intentionally.
I DON'T wanna be your show girl.
I wanna be your girlfriend.
Your best friend.
The only one you want to come to;
The one you want to talk to.


If ever I have to doubt my spot
I will forever be uneasy.
Love me and in return I will give you my all.


I find hurt more than I find what's real.
(These niggas really ain't shit)
You don't even care enough to talk it out;
I'm not even worth working it out.


I am too blessed and beautiful to be stressed.
Over any man.
No one wants to argue all day.
I know I don't
I'd rather be loving.
You wanna argue go that way ------------------->


I know you don't know what you want.
I know I love too strongly.
I know I'm a fool for loving you
But I continue to justify the things that you do
Because I love you.


I know you won't change.
I know I'm doomed.
All I ever wanted was someone who cares
Instead you act cold.


My heart hurts and I'm fed up of chasing something that isn't there.
So what's a girl to do when she knows shes in love with someone like you?

my all

fun.

Free write 5.12

I feel a difference.
As If I no longer want to be in the loop.
I want my own loop.
My own circle
I look around as usual & it's just me.

I really need not to rely on people.
People cause pain.
People disappoint.
People are the reason I am where I am right now.

I need to be content with myself
Content with my loneliness.
Content doing things on my own for myself.
Frigg everybody else, they don't give fucks about me.

I care too much for people & in return never get the care that I think I so desperately need.
I don't need anything from anyone who is not benefiting me.
I need official friends.
I just wish I had someone who understood me.
Someone I can  be myself with.
Judgmental free.

I don't want to be bitter anymore.
I want to live & enjoy my life.
But why is it so hard for me
To do regular things,
Why do I care so much about what people think
I really wish I didn't.

I don't understand my mind,
At times I feel like its working against me.
Release me from me;
Why is it so hard for me to just live.

Forget it

Haven't wrote in a few days because the only thing on my mind is you
I told myself I would not blog about you
But I find my thoughts so cluttering at times
Blogging helps me clear things up a bit.

Lovely song

Just my luck

I swear one good thing happens
& 10 bad things follow behind.

I don't have much to say about life,
I have been truly tired of living for a long time.
I hate it here, I feel as if I don't belong
& I let my emotions have the best of me.

I blame myself not for being me,
I am who you created me to be.

My anger forces me to push people away;
My temper is so controlling..
Over all of me..

I don't mean to be mean
My thoughts and emotions lead me to feel this way
I feel so fucked
Like I don't even wanna be here no more;

What's the point in trying?
When every time you try to do something good
You just keep getting fucked.

I wish life would stop fucking me
& give me a fair chance,
I know I can
Without all these distractions
& cluttered thoughts.

I know I can be someone great,
I just wish stupid shit would stop happening to me;
Nothing in this world is good when the devil has his eye on you.

Release me from my demons
I never wanted to be shit.
I'd faster die young than spend the rest of my life striving to be existent
& just never completely being happy, let alone content.

21 & I'm still not living;
Still not shit;
Still wanna be better
But still giving up;

Why

I don't wanna be bothered by anyone right now
I've had the worst day this year & it's not even 4pm yet.


Seems to me as my biggest flaw is me,
Why am I such a screw up;
I swear I don't understand why today happened like this;

More than one incident leads me to believe that today occurred in this foul manner
For a reason,
My mind told me not to & I did it anyway
I blame my anger,
I blame myself

I don't know why things happen the way they do
Only you do.
I pray for patience
understanding & self control.

I feel so helpless
Like the devil is always after me,
I know there's a lot of people I need to cut loose
This process hurts more than It should.

Still trying to find the positive in this ;
.....I feel horrible.

Focus

It's all in my mind.

I know it is;

I think all the damn time;

Still my thoughts and truly unclear.

Focus my mind on the things that I want.

Believing in me

& the power of my mind 

to over come the things that I need to

Fear my mind because he leaves me trapped in empty places.

He leaves me questioning myself

I know what I want!

Mind?... focus & never loose track!

I wanna be better so bad.

I want to gain the respect of my parent

But mostly importantly I want to know who I am

Love & accept me for me

& never be afraid to be me again.

My one life.

My spiritual bodily human experience.

I am a force, together with the world

We are one.

Humble myself

& accept the things that were given to me

For I am fortunate enough

To be blessed

The life was chosen for me;

For a reason.

I hope that one day we will meet

& I will have grown to be the angel you sent me to be.

At times I fear that I disappoint you,

then I think these events all have reasoning within them.

Question you not;

For the first time as wrong as I feel

I know I'm finally doing something right.

I know you will never steer me wrong

I believe in you as you believe in me.

I am your child as you are my GOD.

 

Who Am I To Me

That annoying anxious feeling
Of my heart nearly beating out of my chest;

I almost always fall for it every time.

Time is such a harsh factor,
Although I know time heals everything.

I said this today not knowing the truth behind it
"No pain lasts forever"

Does pain last forever?

The fear that this pain will never leave me,
That I will never be someone


They say HE never gives you more than you can handle
So on my lowest of days I try to keep my head held HI not high

& even though I feel as If I have nothing going for me
I am still someone, I am still a being
& believe it or not
We all have a purpose;
I have a purpose.

I have a purpose!
Saying that makes me feel better,
Like I really am here for a reason.

I have control of my life.
Therefore change is possible,
Yet so hard to obtain.

Some days I feel like I know I can be better
While others I question my reason for change,
& fall victim of myself & my lavish ways.

Mistake me not for that of a fools'
I know who I am
I just don't know where I'm going
& I don't know what paths will transform me.

I am my mother,
     & my father.
I am my sisters.
Most importantly I am Petrill

Are these the people that formed me to be?
Or is it me who lost control & is now burdened with
such questions as Who am I to me?

Unknown self

As I find myself pondering the same things I use to years ago
I know I haven't changed & I know its my time to do so.


Somewhat disappointed in myself;
I haven't exactly pin pointed the exact reason for my behavior..


...Or rather my condition
Why do I feel so stuck...
     within myself
       - in my mind..


Find myself questioning myself,
Way more than just often-
---Who the hell am I ?
Whom do I want to be?


....ponder, ponder..
& I haven't a damn clue!


I know who I'm not
I'm not the girl I use to be
I blame my environment & the people I chose to surround myself with
For the lost of myself..


R.I.P to the sweet girl I use to be
I'm sorry I let you go


Blame me not self,
I have lost me


& as I find this challenge difficult
I know only I can benefit me


Constantly find myself comparing myself to that of others.
Where I could be to where I am
My situation now to what It should be


I know its up to me
To do what's best for me


I'll say the hardest part of life is growing up;
I pray that someday I will be granted understanding.
Maybe then I'll make sense of this,
Till then I find myself lost in this bittersweet world.