Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Humble beginnings
It's unfortunate that I have to feel so alone in order to blog
Today was an emotional day for me and I've come to realize a lot.
I refuse to blame people for the way they act or their attitudes because It's not their fault.
It's our environment and the things were exposed to that makes us who we are.
Everyone has a story.
We all have struggles.
Realizing that the world doesn't revolve around me is just the beginning.
You never know what people are going through and so I can not judge.
Take people for who they are.
Not carrying their baggage &
Realizing that just because someone comes off in a way I may not like doesn't necessarily mean that I am the one that made them feel that way.
Continue to smile and think positive and focus on myself
Because this always happens
Your always left alone.
Aren't you, Petrill.
Time is against me
Realizing that the right time is right now
& each decision I make everyday effects me & my life & my goals.
I want to make myself happy
Tired of feeling like I need someone to complete me
I can heal myself.
I have the power to do anything that I want.
Rely not on anyone else but myself.
I can & I will.
My time is and always will be right now.
Today was an emotional day for me and I've come to realize a lot.
I refuse to blame people for the way they act or their attitudes because It's not their fault.
It's our environment and the things were exposed to that makes us who we are.
Everyone has a story.
We all have struggles.
Realizing that the world doesn't revolve around me is just the beginning.
You never know what people are going through and so I can not judge.
Take people for who they are.
Not carrying their baggage &
Realizing that just because someone comes off in a way I may not like doesn't necessarily mean that I am the one that made them feel that way.
Continue to smile and think positive and focus on myself
Because this always happens
Your always left alone.
Aren't you, Petrill.
Time is against me
Realizing that the right time is right now
& each decision I make everyday effects me & my life & my goals.
I want to make myself happy
Tired of feeling like I need someone to complete me
I can heal myself.
I have the power to do anything that I want.
Rely not on anyone else but myself.
I can & I will.
My time is and always will be right now.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Freewrite
I feel so blank today.
Confused and somewhat disappointed at the thought that what I want may just be too much.
Why do I feel so empty..
Feeling like ALL I NEED IS LOVE;
to feeling like I DON'T WANNA BE LOVED!
- - - - - - - - - - "(i just wanna quickie)"
Content with the physical;
My female traits begin to tap in
Titles become relevant
I question things I once said didn't matter.
This feeling can be so complex until I simplify..
Why complicate myself ?
Because the one thing I want so badly has to be so complicated..
At times I fear it may be my own faults
Never wanna blame myself for myself
But it's no one else to blame..
I realize the only thing I can do is be myself
& someone will love me for who I am.
Someday I will find what I'm looking for
Hopefully when It comes around it'll still be what I want.
My heart aches this morning..
My thoughts flow through my heart
Causing unwanted feelings & questions..
I just want you here, love.
Be it my fear of being alone forever
& never completely being happy.
I crave you, love.
Frustrated and FED
My heart is uneasy
My thoughts so rampant
All I want is all I want.
Steer me there
Right to your arms..
Because there is where i'd rather be.
There is where I feel a temporary happiness.
A temporary escape from the harsh reality
That what I want is no longer wanted.
They say it's never too late,
So why do I feel like my time is running away from me,
As I get older I feel it more and more..
Makes me want to just say -----> FUCK EVERYTHING!!
and live 100% carefree
why do I have to care so much about everything?
........................................................................
.......................................................
No happy endings.
It just ends.
Confused and somewhat disappointed at the thought that what I want may just be too much.
Why do I feel so empty..
Feeling like ALL I NEED IS LOVE;
to feeling like I DON'T WANNA BE LOVED!
- - - - - - - - - - "(i just wanna quickie)"
Content with the physical;
My female traits begin to tap in
Titles become relevant
I question things I once said didn't matter.
This feeling can be so complex until I simplify..
Why complicate myself ?
Because the one thing I want so badly has to be so complicated..
At times I fear it may be my own faults
Never wanna blame myself for myself
But it's no one else to blame..
I realize the only thing I can do is be myself
& someone will love me for who I am.
Someday I will find what I'm looking for
Hopefully when It comes around it'll still be what I want.
My heart aches this morning..
My thoughts flow through my heart
Causing unwanted feelings & questions..
I just want you here, love.
Be it my fear of being alone forever
& never completely being happy.
I crave you, love.
Frustrated and FED
My heart is uneasy
My thoughts so rampant
All I want is all I want.
Steer me there
Right to your arms..
Because there is where i'd rather be.
There is where I feel a temporary happiness.
A temporary escape from the harsh reality
That what I want is no longer wanted.
They say it's never too late,
So why do I feel like my time is running away from me,
As I get older I feel it more and more..
Makes me want to just say -----> FUCK EVERYTHING!!
and live 100% carefree
why do I have to care so much about everything?
........................................................................
.......................................................
No happy endings.
It just ends.
Monday, June 18, 2012
He doesn't know
As I find myself racing through my thoughts,
Most of them being how miserable my life is..
The better most being you..
I remember the first time I saw you.
You didn't even look my way.
I remember my exact thoughts.
Just off sight I got a feeling, a good feeling about you.
I remember thinking of you through out the day, not even knowing you.
Always looking for you, confused about why I was doing these things.
I remember the first time I spoke to you.
Shocking because I am not the one to talk to people out of nowhere;
But something drew me to you and I felt the need to speak to you.
Pleased that I did, I didn't and still don't know you.
Days went on and I only looked forward to seeing you.
Never imagined to feel this way.
This is not how I pictured it.
I can stare at you all day and not get tired of looking at you.
Why I find you so attractive, i don't know.
Wanna know everything there is to know about you
Only want to be around you.
How is this feeling even possible..
Your all I think about now, your the only person I want to talk to all the time.
You make me happy and nervous at the same time.
My heart drops and races back into place every time I see you.
I love kissing you, smelling you, hugging you.
I love being with you, I love the feeling that you've given me.
He doesn't know how strongly my heart feels for him.
He doesn't know he's all I ever wanted
I wonder if he knows that I secretly ......
Most of them being how miserable my life is..
The better most being you..
I remember the first time I saw you.
You didn't even look my way.
I remember my exact thoughts.
Just off sight I got a feeling, a good feeling about you.
I remember thinking of you through out the day, not even knowing you.
Always looking for you, confused about why I was doing these things.
I remember the first time I spoke to you.
Shocking because I am not the one to talk to people out of nowhere;
But something drew me to you and I felt the need to speak to you.
Pleased that I did, I didn't and still don't know you.
Days went on and I only looked forward to seeing you.
Never imagined to feel this way.
This is not how I pictured it.
I can stare at you all day and not get tired of looking at you.
Why I find you so attractive, i don't know.
Wanna know everything there is to know about you
Only want to be around you.
How is this feeling even possible..
Your all I think about now, your the only person I want to talk to all the time.
You make me happy and nervous at the same time.
My heart drops and races back into place every time I see you.
I love kissing you, smelling you, hugging you.
I love being with you, I love the feeling that you've given me.
He doesn't know how strongly my heart feels for him.
He doesn't know he's all I ever wanted
I wonder if he knows that I secretly ......
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Freewrite
Only one thing will make me happy right now.
& it scares me because that one thing is the one thing we all want.
Which is why it is considered "evil"
But then it's like we can't live life without being evil.
Be evil i guess,
Fuck people options.
Fuck a choice,
Fuck everything I'm feeling right now cause the shit is retarded.
Yet ill still feed into the bullshit of wanting to fade.
I wanna fade, till I fade away and then no one will be able to see me.
It's like i'm not here already.
My family hates me, they make up there own conclusions of me with the acts that I've put out, I can't blame them, so I continue to blame myself for my misery.
I fade so much I feel as if I meshed into this permanent state of being;
I'm just empty space.
& it scares me because that one thing is the one thing we all want.
Which is why it is considered "evil"
But then it's like we can't live life without being evil.
Be evil i guess,
Fuck people options.
Fuck a choice,
Fuck everything I'm feeling right now cause the shit is retarded.
Yet ill still feed into the bullshit of wanting to fade.
I wanna fade, till I fade away and then no one will be able to see me.
It's like i'm not here already.
My family hates me, they make up there own conclusions of me with the acts that I've put out, I can't blame them, so I continue to blame myself for my misery.
I fade so much I feel as if I meshed into this permanent state of being;
I'm just empty space.
Stuck
I've been resisting my temp to write but here I am.
My mind feels cluttered with all sorts of unwanted thoughts.
I've always knew, but realizing more that I am the only person responsible for my happiness.
Which means I'm also responsible for all other emotions.
I cried for half the day yesterday because I couldn't understand why I'm here.
Why these things happen to me and why I get so stuck.
I try to justify myself to myself.
-I am an extraordinary being.
But I'm not.
I'm nothing more than the next waste.
There's good and there's bad.
When they both balance themselves out,
I just feel blank, somewhat numb. zero'd.
Emotion is nothing but a set up.
I literally live in my emotions.
I have a hard time letting go and forgiving, i guess i'm stubborn.
My need to feel alive does nothing but bring me down
and makes me wanna get more high.
My dreams seem to vanish before my eyes with age.
Without a stable foundation as well nothing is possible.
I thought my relationship with my family was getting better,
to turn around and find them all pointing at me, not the best feeling when your trying to be better.
Continuous let downs, and set backs.
I've lowered my standards.
Life is not what you make it,
That shit is made for you already.
It's a matter of tolerating the daily bullshit.
Makes me question
Did I ever even have a fair chance?
Woke up this morning feeling screwed.
Why care about anything, shit is so pointless.
Yet and still I can't stop caring, it's in us to care.
We we're burden with the ability to feel emotion.
What is it that I'm looking for?
I feel it, the empty space inside.
A happiness I someday aspire to acquire.
Nothing in this world is good.
Everything is bad in a sense that it will hold you back what you it is you truly desire.
Beginning to think I want a lot, being that I only want happiness.
Happiness comes with so much.
What is it that will make me happy?
I have an answer, but it is too much.
Life is a blessing and a curse.
My mind feels cluttered with all sorts of unwanted thoughts.
I've always knew, but realizing more that I am the only person responsible for my happiness.
Which means I'm also responsible for all other emotions.
I cried for half the day yesterday because I couldn't understand why I'm here.
Why these things happen to me and why I get so stuck.
I try to justify myself to myself.
-I am an extraordinary being.
But I'm not.
I'm nothing more than the next waste.
There's good and there's bad.
When they both balance themselves out,
I just feel blank, somewhat numb. zero'd.
Emotion is nothing but a set up.
I literally live in my emotions.
I have a hard time letting go and forgiving, i guess i'm stubborn.
My need to feel alive does nothing but bring me down
and makes me wanna get more high.
My dreams seem to vanish before my eyes with age.
Without a stable foundation as well nothing is possible.
I thought my relationship with my family was getting better,
to turn around and find them all pointing at me, not the best feeling when your trying to be better.
Continuous let downs, and set backs.
I've lowered my standards.
Life is not what you make it,
That shit is made for you already.
It's a matter of tolerating the daily bullshit.
Makes me question
Did I ever even have a fair chance?
Woke up this morning feeling screwed.
Why care about anything, shit is so pointless.
Yet and still I can't stop caring, it's in us to care.
We we're burden with the ability to feel emotion.
What is it that I'm looking for?
I feel it, the empty space inside.
A happiness I someday aspire to acquire.
Nothing in this world is good.
Everything is bad in a sense that it will hold you back what you it is you truly desire.
Beginning to think I want a lot, being that I only want happiness.
Happiness comes with so much.
What is it that will make me happy?
I have an answer, but it is too much.
Life is a blessing and a curse.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Dear Dub
Heartache will keep you up.
Its times like these, I wish I never knew you.
Constantly doubting you in the back of my mind.
It's sad. You will never know the real me
Yet you claim you love me.
Pitty me, the fool. Because I believed you.
I always believed you.
Love may be a game.
Who knows?
But my heart? That was never yours to play with.
I'm so sick and tired of you.
Never wanted to be the one to hurt everyone
But I know what needs to be done.
Pitty the fool who fell in love.
Understand that love will get you killed.
Love will change you
It changed me, cause never did I think I'd be stuck on someone like you.
I feel bad for you.
Because you will never know what it's like to have someone like me.
Loving you was a waste of my time.
I guess I blame myself for believing that you would be able to love me like I needed.
You fucking fool.
Its times like these, I wish I never knew you.
Constantly doubting you in the back of my mind.
It's sad. You will never know the real me
Yet you claim you love me.
Pitty me, the fool. Because I believed you.
I always believed you.
Love may be a game.
Who knows?
But my heart? That was never yours to play with.
I'm so sick and tired of you.
Never wanted to be the one to hurt everyone
But I know what needs to be done.
Pitty the fool who fell in love.
Understand that love will get you killed.
Love will change you
It changed me, cause never did I think I'd be stuck on someone like you.
I feel bad for you.
Because you will never know what it's like to have someone like me.
Loving you was a waste of my time.
I guess I blame myself for believing that you would be able to love me like I needed.
You fucking fool.
Thoughts of You.
Why does it feel as if my heart just wants to leap out of my chest when ever I think of you,
I let my nerves have the best of me when I'm around you.
I feel stuck in a way cause all I wanna do is love you.
Somewhat restricted, promised myself I wouldn't do it again.
It feels right,
but it always does.
It feels different
but they always are, however will I know?
Only time can tell;
but as of right now
I'm so drawn and taken by you.
I just wanna know everything.
I wanna be the one you want to come to.
I just wanna show you, I can love you.
When you touch me I feel at ease like there's no where I'd rather be than right where I am.
I avoid looking you In your eyes of the fear that my heart will beat out of chest & you will not catch it.
Am I a fool for feeling so strongly so soon?
Blame me not for this was not the task at hand.
You came to me & I am so lucky to have met you.
You complete me and you don't even know it yet.
I see so much potential in us.
Given the chance we can be something great.
Something unstoppable, something worth while.
When I leave you or'v been away from you for too long, I get sad, my heart misses you though my mind tells me other wise. However did you make it to my heart so soon? I don't know but there you are. I never wanna be too far, always keep me near.
As if you are still a stranger to me, you are the perfect stranger I always wanted to meet. The only stranger I want to hold onto, the only one I ever think about now, Is you.
I let my nerves have the best of me when I'm around you.
I feel stuck in a way cause all I wanna do is love you.
Somewhat restricted, promised myself I wouldn't do it again.
It feels right,
but it always does.
It feels different
but they always are, however will I know?
Only time can tell;
but as of right now
I'm so drawn and taken by you.
I just wanna know everything.
I wanna be the one you want to come to.
I just wanna show you, I can love you.
When you touch me I feel at ease like there's no where I'd rather be than right where I am.
I avoid looking you In your eyes of the fear that my heart will beat out of chest & you will not catch it.
Am I a fool for feeling so strongly so soon?
Blame me not for this was not the task at hand.
You came to me & I am so lucky to have met you.
You complete me and you don't even know it yet.
I see so much potential in us.
Given the chance we can be something great.
Something unstoppable, something worth while.
When I leave you or'v been away from you for too long, I get sad, my heart misses you though my mind tells me other wise. However did you make it to my heart so soon? I don't know but there you are. I never wanna be too far, always keep me near.
As if you are still a stranger to me, you are the perfect stranger I always wanted to meet. The only stranger I want to hold onto, the only one I ever think about now, Is you.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Am I just a fool?
I fear that I may be too possessive and controlling for my own good, especially when my hearts involved.
I know exactly what I want I just fear never getting it, never feeling it ever again. My days are dry without you love, never wanted to be without you.. Love.
They say the best love is the one you find within yourself, I tend to disagree. The best love is one you find within someone else and you know, you just know for a fact that its real.
How gullible am I for believing something so special exsist and it'll come to me? Am I just a fool?
I know exactly what I want I just fear never getting it, never feeling it ever again. My days are dry without you love, never wanted to be without you.. Love.
They say the best love is the one you find within yourself, I tend to disagree. The best love is one you find within someone else and you know, you just know for a fact that its real.
How gullible am I for believing something so special exsist and it'll come to me? Am I just a fool?
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
5.15
Today makes 5 years from the first day I met you.
I keep looking at the date, cant believe its really been so long.
Never deny you, because you are my past.
You taught me so much.
Lessons in love.
Because of you I experienced so much.
Happy we are still friends, happy I know our relationship will always last.
I keep looking at the date, cant believe its really been so long.
Never deny you, because you are my past.
You taught me so much.
Lessons in love.
Because of you I experienced so much.
Happy we are still friends, happy I know our relationship will always last.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Heartache
He don't understand that my heart hurts when he talks to me the way he does.
Shouldn't it be understood that when you love someone you just don't hurt them intentionally.
I DON'T wanna be your show girl.
I wanna be your girlfriend.
Your best friend.
The only one you want to come to;
The one you want to talk to.
If ever I have to doubt my spot
I will forever be uneasy.
Love me and in return I will give you my all.
I find hurt more than I find what's real.
(These niggas really ain't shit)
You don't even care enough to talk it out;
I'm not even worth working it out.
I am too blessed and beautiful to be stressed.
Over any man.
No one wants to argue all day.
I know I don't
I'd rather be loving.
You wanna argue go that way ------------------->
I know you don't know what you want.
I know I love too strongly.
I know I'm a fool for loving you
But I continue to justify the things that you do
Because I love you.
I know you won't change.
I know I'm doomed.
All I ever wanted was someone who cares
Instead you act cold.
My heart hurts and I'm fed up of chasing something that isn't there.
So what's a girl to do when she knows shes in love with someone like you?
Shouldn't it be understood that when you love someone you just don't hurt them intentionally.
I DON'T wanna be your show girl.
I wanna be your girlfriend.
Your best friend.
The only one you want to come to;
The one you want to talk to.
If ever I have to doubt my spot
I will forever be uneasy.
Love me and in return I will give you my all.
I find hurt more than I find what's real.
(These niggas really ain't shit)
You don't even care enough to talk it out;
I'm not even worth working it out.
I am too blessed and beautiful to be stressed.
Over any man.
No one wants to argue all day.
I know I don't
I'd rather be loving.
You wanna argue go that way ------------------->
I know you don't know what you want.
I know I love too strongly.
I know I'm a fool for loving you
But I continue to justify the things that you do
Because I love you.
I know you won't change.
I know I'm doomed.
All I ever wanted was someone who cares
Instead you act cold.
My heart hurts and I'm fed up of chasing something that isn't there.
So what's a girl to do when she knows shes in love with someone like you?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Free write 5.12
I feel a difference.
As If I no longer want to be in the loop.
I want my own loop.
My own circle
I look around as usual & it's just me.
I really need not to rely on people.
People cause pain.
People disappoint.
People are the reason I am where I am right now.
I need to be content with myself
Content with my loneliness.
Content doing things on my own for myself.
Frigg everybody else, they don't give fucks about me.
I care too much for people & in return never get the care that I think I so desperately need.
I don't need anything from anyone who is not benefiting me.
I need official friends.
I just wish I had someone who understood me.
Someone I can be myself with.
Judgmental free.
I don't want to be bitter anymore.
I want to live & enjoy my life.
But why is it so hard for me
To do regular things,
Why do I care so much about what people think
I really wish I didn't.
I don't understand my mind,
At times I feel like its working against me.
Release me from me;
Why is it so hard for me to just live.
As If I no longer want to be in the loop.
I want my own loop.
My own circle
I look around as usual & it's just me.
I really need not to rely on people.
People cause pain.
People disappoint.
People are the reason I am where I am right now.
I need to be content with myself
Content with my loneliness.
Content doing things on my own for myself.
Frigg everybody else, they don't give fucks about me.
I care too much for people & in return never get the care that I think I so desperately need.
I don't need anything from anyone who is not benefiting me.
I need official friends.
I just wish I had someone who understood me.
Someone I can be myself with.
Judgmental free.
I don't want to be bitter anymore.
I want to live & enjoy my life.
But why is it so hard for me
To do regular things,
Why do I care so much about what people think
I really wish I didn't.
I don't understand my mind,
At times I feel like its working against me.
Release me from me;
Why is it so hard for me to just live.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Forget it
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
Just my luck
I swear one good thing happens
& 10 bad things follow behind.
I don't have much to say about life,
I have been truly tired of living for a long time.
I hate it here, I feel as if I don't belong
& I let my emotions have the best of me.
I blame myself not for being me,
I am who you created me to be.
My anger forces me to push people away;
My temper is so controlling..
Over all of me..
I don't mean to be mean
My thoughts and emotions lead me to feel this way
I feel so fucked
Like I don't even wanna be here no more;
What's the point in trying?
When every time you try to do something good
You just keep getting fucked.
I wish life would stop fucking me
& give me a fair chance,
I know I can
Without all these distractions
& cluttered thoughts.
I know I can be someone great,
I just wish stupid shit would stop happening to me;
Nothing in this world is good when the devil has his eye on you.
Release me from my demons
I never wanted to be shit.
I'd faster die young than spend the rest of my life striving to be existent
& just never completely being happy, let alone content.
21 & I'm still not living;
Still not shit;
Still wanna be better
But still giving up;
& 10 bad things follow behind.
I don't have much to say about life,
I have been truly tired of living for a long time.
I hate it here, I feel as if I don't belong
& I let my emotions have the best of me.
I blame myself not for being me,
I am who you created me to be.
My anger forces me to push people away;
My temper is so controlling..
Over all of me..
I don't mean to be mean
My thoughts and emotions lead me to feel this way
I feel so fucked
Like I don't even wanna be here no more;
What's the point in trying?
When every time you try to do something good
You just keep getting fucked.
I wish life would stop fucking me
& give me a fair chance,
I know I can
Without all these distractions
& cluttered thoughts.
I know I can be someone great,
I just wish stupid shit would stop happening to me;
Nothing in this world is good when the devil has his eye on you.
Release me from my demons
I never wanted to be shit.
I'd faster die young than spend the rest of my life striving to be existent
& just never completely being happy, let alone content.
21 & I'm still not living;
Still not shit;
Still wanna be better
But still giving up;
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Why
I don't wanna be bothered by anyone right now
I've had the worst day this year & it's not even 4pm yet.
Seems to me as my biggest flaw is me,
Why am I such a screw up;
I swear I don't understand why today happened like this;
More than one incident leads me to believe that today occurred in this foul manner
For a reason,
My mind told me not to & I did it anyway
I blame my anger,
I blame myself
I don't know why things happen the way they do
Only you do.
I pray for patience
understanding & self control.
I feel so helpless
Like the devil is always after me,
I know there's a lot of people I need to cut loose
This process hurts more than It should.
Still trying to find the positive in this ;
.....I feel horrible.
I've had the worst day this year & it's not even 4pm yet.
Seems to me as my biggest flaw is me,
Why am I such a screw up;
I swear I don't understand why today happened like this;
More than one incident leads me to believe that today occurred in this foul manner
For a reason,
My mind told me not to & I did it anyway
I blame my anger,
I blame myself
I don't know why things happen the way they do
Only you do.
I pray for patience
understanding & self control.
I feel so helpless
Like the devil is always after me,
I know there's a lot of people I need to cut loose
This process hurts more than It should.
Still trying to find the positive in this ;
.....I feel horrible.
Focus
It's all in my mind.
I know it is;
I think all the damn time;
Still my thoughts and truly unclear.
Focus my mind on the things that I want.
Believing in me
& the power of my mind
to over come the things that I need to
Fear my mind because he leaves me trapped in empty places.
He leaves me questioning myself
I know what I want!
Mind?... focus & never loose track!
I wanna be better so bad.
I want to gain the respect of my parent
But mostly importantly I want to know who I am
Love & accept me for me
& never be afraid to be me again.
My one life.
My spiritual bodily human experience.
I am a force, together with the world
We are one.
Humble myself
& accept the things that were given to me
For I am fortunate enough
To be blessed
The life was chosen for me;
For a reason.
I hope that one day we will meet
& I will have grown to be the angel you sent me to be.
At times I fear that I disappoint you,
then I think these events all have reasoning within them.
Question you not;
For the first time as wrong as I feel
I know I'm finally doing something right.
I know you will never steer me wrong
I believe in you as you believe in me.
I am your child as you are my GOD.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Who Am I To Me
That annoying anxious feeling
Of my heart nearly beating out of my chest;
I almost always fall for it every time.
Time is such a harsh factor,
Although I know time heals everything.
I said this today not knowing the truth behind it
"No pain lasts forever"
Does pain last forever?
The fear that this pain will never leave me,
That I will never be someone
They say HE never gives you more than you can handle
So on my lowest of days I try to keep my head held HI not high
& even though I feel as If I have nothing going for me
I am still someone, I am still a being
& believe it or not
We all have a purpose;
I have a purpose.
I have a purpose!
Saying that makes me feel better,
Like I really am here for a reason.
I have control of my life.
Therefore change is possible,
Yet so hard to obtain.
Some days I feel like I know I can be better
While others I question my reason for change,
& fall victim of myself & my lavish ways.
Mistake me not for that of a fools'
I know who I am
I just don't know where I'm going
& I don't know what paths will transform me.
I am my mother,
& my father.
I am my sisters.
Most importantly I am Petrill
Are these the people that formed me to be?
Or is it me who lost control & is now burdened with
such questions as Who am I to me?
Of my heart nearly beating out of my chest;
I almost always fall for it every time.
Time is such a harsh factor,
Although I know time heals everything.
I said this today not knowing the truth behind it
"No pain lasts forever"
Does pain last forever?
The fear that this pain will never leave me,
They say HE never gives you more than you can handle
So on my lowest of days I try to keep my head held HI not high
& even though I feel as If I have nothing going for me
I am still someone, I am still a being
& believe it or not
We all have a purpose;
I have a purpose.
I have a purpose!
Saying that makes me feel better,
Like I really am here for a reason.
I have control of my life.
Therefore change is possible,
Yet so hard to obtain.
Some days I feel like I know I can be better
While others I question my reason for change,
& fall victim of myself & my lavish ways.
Mistake me not for that of a fools'
I know who I am
I just don't know where I'm going
& I don't know what paths will transform me.
I am my mother,
& my father.
I am my sisters.
Most importantly I am Petrill
Are these the people that formed me to be?
Or is it me who lost control & is now burdened with
such questions as Who am I to me?
Unknown self
As I find myself pondering the same things I use to years ago
I know I haven't changed & I know its my time to do so.
Somewhat disappointed in myself;
I haven't exactly pin pointed the exact reason for my behavior..
...Or rather my condition
Why do I feel so stuck...
within myself
- in my mind..
Find myself questioning myself,
Way more than just often-
---Who the hell am I ?
Whom do I want to be?
....ponder, ponder..
& I haven't a damn clue!
I know who I'm not
I'm not the girl I use to be
I blame my environment & the people I chose to surround myself with
For the lost of myself..
R.I.P to the sweet girl I use to be
I'm sorry I let you go
Blame me not self,
I have lost me
& as I find this challenge difficult
I know only I can benefit me
Constantly find myself comparing myself to that of others.
Where I could be to where I am
My situation now to what It should be
I know its up to me
To do what's best for me
I'll say the hardest part of life is growing up;
I pray that someday I will be granted understanding.
Maybe then I'll make sense of this,
Till then I find myself lost in this bittersweet world.
I know I haven't changed & I know its my time to do so.
Somewhat disappointed in myself;
I haven't exactly pin pointed the exact reason for my behavior..
...Or rather my condition
Why do I feel so stuck...
within myself
- in my mind..
Find myself questioning myself,
Way more than just often-
---Who the hell am I ?
Whom do I want to be?
....ponder, ponder..
& I haven't a damn clue!
I know who I'm not
I'm not the girl I use to be
I blame my environment & the people I chose to surround myself with
For the lost of myself..
R.I.P to the sweet girl I use to be
I'm sorry I let you go
Blame me not self,
I have lost me
& as I find this challenge difficult
I know only I can benefit me
Constantly find myself comparing myself to that of others.
Where I could be to where I am
My situation now to what It should be
I know its up to me
To do what's best for me
I'll say the hardest part of life is growing up;
I pray that someday I will be granted understanding.
Maybe then I'll make sense of this,
Till then I find myself lost in this bittersweet world.
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