Free write 5.12

I feel a difference.
As If I no longer want to be in the loop.
I want my own loop.
My own circle
I look around as usual & it's just me.

I really need not to rely on people.
People cause pain.
People disappoint.
People are the reason I am where I am right now.

I need to be content with myself
Content with my loneliness.
Content doing things on my own for myself.
Frigg everybody else, they don't give fucks about me.

I care too much for people & in return never get the care that I think I so desperately need.
I don't need anything from anyone who is not benefiting me.
I need official friends.
I just wish I had someone who understood me.
Someone I can  be myself with.
Judgmental free.

I don't want to be bitter anymore.
I want to live & enjoy my life.
But why is it so hard for me
To do regular things,
Why do I care so much about what people think
I really wish I didn't.

I don't understand my mind,
At times I feel like its working against me.
Release me from me;
Why is it so hard for me to just live.