Freewrite

I feel so blank today.
Confused and somewhat disappointed at the thought that what I want may just be too much.
Why do I feel so empty..
Feeling like ALL I NEED IS LOVE;
to feeling like I DON'T WANNA BE LOVED!
- - - - - - - - - - "(i just wanna quickie)"

Content with the physical;
My female traits begin to tap in
Titles become relevant
I question things I once said didn't matter.

This feeling can be so complex until I simplify..
Why complicate myself ?
Because the one thing I want so badly has to be so complicated..

At times I fear it may be my own faults
Never wanna blame myself for myself
But it's no one else to blame..

I realize the only thing I can do is be myself
& someone will love me for who I am.
Someday I will find what I'm looking for

Hopefully when It comes around it'll still be what I want.

My heart aches this morning..
My thoughts flow through my heart
Causing unwanted feelings & questions..

I just want you here, love.
Be it my fear of being alone forever
& never completely being happy.
I crave you, love.

Frustrated and FED
My heart is uneasy
My thoughts so rampant
All I want is all I want.

Steer me there
Right to your arms..
Because there is where i'd rather be.
There is where I feel a temporary happiness.
A temporary escape from the harsh reality
That what I want is no longer wanted.

They say it's never too late,
So why do I feel like my time is running away from me,
As I get older I feel it more and more..

Makes me want to just say -----> FUCK EVERYTHING!!
and live 100% carefree
why do I have to care so much about everything?

........................................................................
                 .......................................................

No happy endings.
It just ends.

He doesn't know

As I find myself racing through my thoughts,
Most of them being how miserable my life is..
The better most being you..

I remember the first time I saw you.
You didn't even look my way.
I remember my exact thoughts.
Just off sight I got a feeling, a good feeling about you.
I remember thinking of you through out the day, not even knowing you.
Always looking for you, confused about why I was doing these things.

I remember the first time I spoke to you.
Shocking because I am not the one to talk to people out of nowhere;
But something drew me to you and I felt the need to speak to you.

Pleased that I did, I didn't and still don't know you.
Days went on and I only looked forward to seeing you.
Never imagined to feel this way.
This is not how I pictured it.

I can stare at you all day and not get tired of looking at you.
Why I find you so attractive, i don't know.

Wanna know everything there is to know about you
Only want to be around you.

How is this feeling even possible..

Your all I think about now, your the only person I want to talk to all the time.
You make me happy and nervous at the same time.

My heart drops and races back into place every time I see you.
I love kissing you, smelling you, hugging you.
I love being with you, I love the feeling that you've given me.

He doesn't know how strongly my heart feels for him.
He doesn't know he's all I ever wanted
I wonder if he knows that I secretly ......

Freewrite

Only one thing will make me happy right now.
& it scares me because that one thing is the one thing we all want.
Which is why it is considered "evil"
But then it's like we can't live life without being evil.

Be evil i guess,
Fuck people options.
Fuck a choice,
Fuck everything I'm feeling right now cause the shit is retarded.
Yet ill still feed into the bullshit of wanting to fade.

I wanna fade, till I fade away and then no one will be able to see me.
It's like i'm not here already.
My family hates me, they make up there own conclusions of me with the acts that I've put out, I can't blame them, so I continue to blame myself for my misery.

I fade so much I feel as if I meshed into this permanent state of being;
I'm just empty space.

Stuck

I've been resisting my temp to write but here I am.
My mind feels cluttered with all sorts of unwanted thoughts.
I've always knew, but realizing more that I am the only person responsible for my happiness.
Which means I'm also responsible for all other emotions.

I cried for half the day yesterday because I couldn't understand why I'm here.
Why these things happen to me and why I get so stuck.
I try to justify myself to myself.
-I am an extraordinary being.
But I'm not.
I'm nothing more than the next waste.

There's good and there's bad.
When they both balance themselves out,
I just feel blank, somewhat numb. zero'd.

Emotion is nothing but a set up.
I literally live in my emotions.
I have a hard time letting go and forgiving, i guess i'm stubborn.

My need to feel alive does nothing but bring me down
and makes me wanna get more high.
My dreams seem to vanish before my eyes with age.

Without a stable foundation as well nothing is possible.
I thought my relationship with my family was getting better,
to turn around and find them all pointing at me, not the best feeling when your trying to be better.

Continuous let downs, and set backs.
I've lowered my standards.
Life is not what you make it,
That shit is made for you already.
It's a matter of tolerating the daily bullshit.

Makes me question
Did I ever even have a fair chance?
Woke up this morning feeling screwed.

Why care about anything, shit is so pointless.
Yet and still I can't stop caring, it's in us to care.
We we're burden with the ability to feel emotion.

What is it that I'm looking for?
I feel it, the empty space inside.
A happiness I someday aspire to acquire.

Nothing in this world is good.
Everything is bad in a sense that it will hold you back what you it is you truly desire.
Beginning to think I want a lot, being that I only want happiness.
Happiness comes with so much.

What is it that will make me happy?
I have an answer, but it is too much.
Life is a blessing and a curse.

"finna do a love crime"